7/3

Abba, thank you for all that you're doing. I was thinking earlier this week about how selfish I can be. When I go into a service or into prayer or into any situation, even gratitude I start thinking of all the ways that I'm grateful for the things that you've done specifically for me. And then I start thinking of all the ways that I would like to change. And then of all the circumstances I would like changed for me. And then the times that I do think about changes I'd like to see in the world, they still have to do with me. So there's that.

But yesterday there was something different about what was on my mind. Because I did obviously still think of myself, but I was so concerned about how I wasn't sure that I actually know how to love. Or let myself be loved either. I've told people that I love them and I've told you that I love them and that I love you and that I love myself, but in reality I'm not sure that I know what that actually is.

And this ties back to my selfishness. Because I think that a lot of the reason for my loving is self preservation and attachment. And it makes me sad because there's a version of me that is free. That enjoys that freedom. That is out there frolicking and enjoying the blessings you've imparted for me in this lifetime. And then there's a version of me that feels like that's only ever possible if I leave everything and everyone else behind. But why is that? It's like I'm still compartmentalizing. I haven't yet fully embraced that I actually am just yours, like I somehow still want to belong to others because they'll be the ones that are able to take care of me. And in a twisted way, I've manipulated my perspective to make myself believe that holding myself back is somehow to the benefit or to protect them in some way. But truthfully, I think I'm scared that I would be abandoned somehow. And that I would actually get what I want. That I would actually be free. That I would actually have a clear way.

It's crazy because you've been so good to me. And you continue to be. And I continue to doubt. I continue to question. I continue to hold onto what I think to be tangible instead of trusting you to be true to who you claim to be. Have I mentioned this before? Like that example of Bella putting herself in reckless and dangerous situations so that Edward would come and rescue her. So I'm saying it again; God, I want to love you as you are in all that you are. I want to trust that you are good. That you are love itself. That you are peace. That you are the beginning and the end. That you are there in the middle. Was, is, and is to come. That you are light. That are hope. That you restore. That you fulfill. I want to genuinely be grateful in all that I do. I want to be grateful first and foremost. I want to come into your throne room with thanksgiving and praise. So much so that I don't ever think about the petitions. I want to love you. I want to receive your fatherly love. Made whole. Completely. Complete.