as i say not as i do
I'm even more stuck than I was before. It's not as dark as it had been, but I'm lost nonetheless.
Okay, let's just write and see. I'm in the middle of watching Love & Gelato. It's annoying, but also charming. It's incredibly clichéd. I'm annoyed with myself because I keep editing my thoughts in real-time. I'm annoyed because I can't seem to stick to any one thought. I'm annoyed because when I think, I can only think of the ways in which my thoughts are wrong, hurtful, rash, whatever. It's not even like I disagree with the movie. I can completely believe that the story would be plausible. I can completely believe that there are people that really would and do behave the way these characters do. Maybe I'm mad that it's not happening to me. Maybe I'm mad that these characters are predictable and seemingly one-dimensional. I don't know where this story will go necessarily, but I'm mad that I don't get to be annoying, even though I am. I'm mad that I don't get to be fearful, even though I am. I'm mad that I don't get to be lost and wayward and directionless and lazy and I'm at the end of myself. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be anything. But I want to have everything, I want to be everything. Everything about myself is a contradiction. I'm upset that I grew up with the entire manual for the perfect life, and yet here I am. I'm not a good person. I'm not talented. I'm not trying to downgrade myself. I don't mean to curse myself. I know too much and I wish I didn't. I feel like I know so much about the most important parts of life and can't do anything with it. I feel like I know so much useless stuff. I feel like I'm out of place. I feel like I'm not meant to be here anymore. I don't feel like I offer anything. I feel, actually, like there's too much at stake and I can't handle it. And I feel like I'm just stupid to have gone back to all of this. I know that's not the truth. I know that I'm better for having found my soul. I know that I'm better for having healed from parts of my past. But I'm upset. I hate it here. I hate everyone here. And that's not the truth, but it is. I would hate for anyone to read this because it's so disgustingly ugly. I'm ungrateful and I'm stuck. There's no where I belong. Everyone that I love I lie to. Everything that I love is bad. Everything that I aspire to is useless. What's the point of being here if none of this is supposed to matter to me. What's the point of beauty of everything is supposed to be beautiful. What's the point of community if I'm not supposed to care about what anyone thinks. What's the point. What's the point! I can't live the rest of my life here, in bed. Not working. But what's the point! When others are hurting. Sure, I'm supposed to enjoy, but to what end. What does it matter. I hate where I am but I can't escape it. What's probably worse is that I don't want to. I don't want to speak badly about where I am because this is where my family is. I can't get out without them, but I can't get out with them. I can't even get myself out. How can I get them out, too? "if the business is true, that you left ur moms in the hood somebody go smoke that yute you don't leave ur moms nowhere you have money and you left your mom" I believe that. If I go off and grow, how long until I can bring them up with me. Will I ever. So what am I to do?! And then I feel like more of a fraud because I can't even get a job. I'm not building, I'm just deteriorating. I feel like I'm in decay.
Do as I say, not as I do. Do as they say, not as they do. what the fuck do i know.
- Proverbs 18:21: "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit".
- James 3:5-6: Compares the tongue to a small fire that sets a great forest ablaze.
- Proverbs 15:4: "A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit".
- Psalm 141:3: "Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!".
