what are you doing!

Hi, God.

Me again. I'm not sure what's going on. I'm optimistic again. And I'm also honestly scared. I want to move forward, but I think I'm scared of having to face rejection along the way. I think I'm scared to dream bigger and to see a future for myself. I think I'm scared that what I'm dreaming of or could dream of for myself wouldn't be what you would dream for me and that this dreaming would be futile. I think I'm scared that you would hurt me. I think I'm scared that you will hurt me. I think I'm scared to succeed at something that you wouldn't want for me. I think I'm scared that I don't or won't see what you would see. I think I'm just scared that I don't know what I'm doing and that all roads would end up leading to misery. How's that for a bummer. I literally started out with saying I'm optimistic again. Which I am, and I'm also scared. I think maybe I've identified with this side of me for a little too long. With the version of myself that is relying on my silver platter to appear so that I could keep falling back on that as an excuse to not move forward. I don't think I trust that I actually can move forward. I think I might have been believing that my best has been behind me. But I don't want to believe that anymore. And I continue to say it, I want to trust you. I get to this point where I almost say "so help me to trust you." And I can't because immediately I feel ridiculous. Because you've already accomplished so much for me. And here I am again because with all you've done I can't believe that you would want to do any more. But here I am, asking, please.

Thank you for today. Thank you for wanting to hear me out. Thanks for dealing with me. Thanks for creating me still.