what is there to say

What is there to say? What hasn't been said or done before? What is in pursuit. Honestly, I feel crazier day by day. I feel alive and well one minute, and out of touch the next. Do you remember that story in the Bible with Lot's wife?

That's what I feel I keep doing - looking back. I say that I want to move forward, but I seem to find something every time to tie me down.

When he hesitated, the men grasped his hand and the hands of his wife and of his two daughters and led them safely out of the city, for the Lord was merciful to them.
Genesis 19:16 | NIV

You know this already, but the Bible scares me. Honestly, anything having to do with having faith scares me. It seems like each story is about some sort of tragedy that someone is rescued from. And I feel like in some way, I cannot believe how incredibly fortunate I am to not have that tragedy. So in a way it's like I'm conditioned to believe that a blessing is predicated on a tragedy first. That there needs to be something that I'm overcoming or rising from. And yes, fine. I have things in my life that have happened. I have things in my life that could happen. And that's the part that sucks. Because I know what God has gotten me out of. I know what God has pulled me through. But there's still to this day the one thing that is lingering over me. And then I think "oh, there's also this" or "what about that". The underlying feeling is that I'll be found out.

God help me to not need your help for the things you've already set me free from. God help me with my irritability. God help me with the immovability. I'm trying to hold steadfast to you alone, but! There always seems to be a "but". And then of course there's the comparison. Because I can see that others are actually going through what I'm afraid of having to go through. I see what others have had to go through in their own lives. And it's so twisted of me! It's so ridiculous from me. Because it's like "oh well of course it worked out for them because of ..." Or even like "thank God it's not like that for me" like that's somehow a comfort and enough for me to stop. GOD WHAT DO I DO.